letter to Jo 02

Hi Jo, glad to see you again!
You asked me about how I am thinking which inspires me a lot.
Here are my answers.

Jo’s questions and my answers

  • When you write about feeling bad, and all the negative thoughts coming to attack you, what is this like for you?

    • It looks like I need uncountable rest. It also feels like I cannot live with myself and I can not make enough money to support myself. It is all about frustration and self accuse.
    • It is rather astonishing, because I graduated from medical school as an outstanding student. I also have 6 years long and successful experience as a group leader in school. I do have the ability to cope with a big twist happened to me.
    • The main reason for my self-esteem issue seems come with my job. I messed up some very good opportunities due to my marriage. The job offer always comes from a distant city like BEIJING or SHANGHAI.
    • Somehow, I do feel that I can be a good student but not a compelling stuff. I can live successfully in school but I can hardly survive in the business society. Or I haven’t mastered the trick to keep the balance between my marriage and my career.
    • Luckily, look on the bright side, I am quite satisfied with my marriage which some of my classmates seem struggled miserably. And I do know what I want is a peaceful family life. I am just trying to make the family more flexible that it can be strong enough to get through the up and downs.
  • Do you feel that your ways to soothe your nerves are enough to help you cope with it all, or are there times when this is difficult?

    • I have tried therapist for several times. But I felt difficult to connect with them. The cost of therapist is beyond my expectation. And the conversations are usually pretty short. So I hardly have confidence on them.
    • I am doing ok with writing and reading to distract my anxiety, but I do have a crash down situation several times per month.
    • Oh, when I say “crash down”, it wasn’t that serious. I don’t want to commit suicide. Nor do I want to give up preparing for the new job. I am a pretty tough woman, at least for now.
    • Actually, when I was a child, I usually undergo emotional discomfort and get healed by myself. Now, I am 29, I am almost experienced to deal with my situation.
    • For example, yesterday not only I wrote to you, but also chatted with my childhood friends. It ended with a fantastic night.
  • What does the story mean to you, how do you relate the underground world to your life upon the ground?

    • I think the fascinating part of the underground world is that it is a bizarrerie area which is formed under extreme condition. I used to avoid bizarrerie creatures such as spiders or lizard. I felt that they are ugly and pitiful.
    • But now I thought they are heros and warriors. The animals, which go through diapause or born bizarrerie, didn’t extinct or die soon. They still managed to thrive, changing their biodynamics and relocating their energy and source, although facing prejudice and hurts of their mother nature.
  • You say that you were an animal in diapause, does that mean that you do not think that you are anymore? Has something changed?

    • Yes. The biggest change that happens to me is my philosophy. I always felt that I have a great future and live happy and long.
    • However, I became to understand that life is hard and twist.
    • Very few people can survive the maze of life.
    • They either suffer from millionaire dreams, or the compulsive alcoholism. My dad is one of them. He always said he can control everybody and have them obey his order. But it turns out everyone is just cheating on him. I also moved to a distant city to avoid him.
    • First time I found the world is bizarre and mysterious when I was 23, I was totally panic. After 6 years, I am a lot more comfortable with the mysterious world.
    • Therefore, I need to get through diapause to have a rest, avoiding the flood, and come back to breed in an appropriate time.